Etikettarkiv: self portrait

Baby, I don’t care

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Since you only read posts with pictures in them, I kind of used this as bait. Sorry. Buuuut now that you’re heeere…

Here’s my current Spotify most played:

Very pop-ish in comparison with previous lists, I think. I found me some Apoptygma Berzerk and was happy to see that they had the shorter version of Love Never Dies (Part 2) without all the silence in it, woo. So yeah, APB in three of these spots. Oops. I am tbh a bit amazed that Hello featuring Dragonette isn’t at a higher position, it feels like that is all I am listening to right now ^^

Also happy that I found London After Midnight. I was gooling like a mad(wo)man last Saturday, trying to figure out the name since I had forgotten everything but the fact that the singer has red hair (which you already know if you actively follow me on Twitter). NOT the easiest thing to google! So I started searching through last.fm and ”Artists similar to Blutengel” and found LAM on page 4 or something, lol. Happy squeal! Yay! Kiss is a really good song, it is awesome for powerwalking and sultry dancing :)

My premonitions for next list is that Blutengel will be somewhere on the top, haha. Their new album is pretty sweet, and Chris has a really good voice :3

Thanks for reading ;)

Doe-eyed nerd girl

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Just got home from work. I am tired and watching RuPaul’s Drag Race untucked and hoping to find a torrent for yesterday’s episode soon… I have heard about some juicy drama, mwaha :3 I want to seee iiiiit!

I am thinking about writing some more RPDR posts here, for my own sake tbh, but not sure if I will bore you with my rants about pretty queens and dramas and whatnots?

Work drama. Yes. Today I have been dressed as shown above. Black pants, longarmed blue/black shirt and grey washed out Batman shirt from children’s department at H&M (le fashion blog here!). Not sure if this is still attention whoring? This is pretty much what I wear to work… /shrug

Feeling chubby today. I have gained weight again. Pro: Ze butt. It is le awesome right now :3 Con: The tummy. I am chubbylicious :( meh meh meh. Should I go back to liquids again? :P (not cereal guys, don’t worry :P)

I’ll turn 28 in a week but I am still only 12

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I learned from a friend yesterday that people are talking about me in my working place. I swear, sometimes that office reminds me more of a daycare center than a working place, with all the silly drama that is going on.

It seems that people think I am an ”attention whore” for dressing different. I can only guess that it is my different looks that is attracting these thoughts from people, because even though I wear skirts I don’t really have shorter skirts than the other girls, and I reall never go with a cleavage since I think that looks really tarty. So I guess that even though I am pretty much covered from top to toe this is still enough for me to be ”whoring for attention”. What is this I don’t even.

I shouldn’t care. I know. Let them have their silly drama and just ignore them. But fuck that, because words still hurt. Deep down I still carry my 12 year old self around, and she is sad from hearing that people are still talking about me. I dress the way I do because I like it, because my clothes represent me and because I want to look good. Is that really that weird..?

/shrug. I dunno. People are just so damn judgemental. I guess I am too, but I don’t talk behind stranger’s backs, saying that they are this and that and lol.

I just need to get out of the sandbox before I really start being a bitter person. I don’t like this. I want to be happy and joyful and, goddamnit, down straight NAÏVE at times. Instead I am bitter, depressed and cynical. La di da.

Ohwell. Time to get dressed for another day of attention whoring, I guess…

Mad Love

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Because sometimes every girl has the need to dress up like a psychotic villain

Lazy sunday. I haven’t really done anything today. I painted my nails yellow, took a foot bath, listened to a lot of nice music, watched 5 episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race s4 and that’s about it. Never did anything yesterday either, I realized I don’t have any money so couldn’t really go out empty handed like that :P

So I was bored. Bored out of my mind! And the night was so far away at all times, so I couldn’t go to bed either. I was just bored and restless and wanted to DO SOMETHING, but I didn’t know what. I am bored today aswell, but today it’s a sunday and sundays are supposed to be boring.

Anyway. I love RPDR s4! It’s as good as the previous seasons ^^ Got my favorites down and ready, but I don’t think any of them will win, sadly. It’s never my favorites that win :P Same goes for every show I watch; Project Runway, Hell’s Kitchen, Top Model… Bah. I think I will have to root for the one I like the least instead, and that would automatically make the one I *really* like win, right? SOUND LOGIC IS SOUND AND FLAWLESS.

Yeah, anyway. Will probably take a walk today, even though it is raining. Otherwise I’ll just go to bed early and read instead… Bah. Looking forward to next weekend though, with my birthday party and all! Yup, this old lady is getting older. Eeek! …nevermind :D

I kind of only wore that catsuit at that one time, and it was only for a photo thing. Bah. I look chubby in it, and flat. Not a good combination guys!

Sticks and stones may break my bones ~

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People can always point fingers and say ”You think that was bad? Think about [insert optional worse story here]”. But what does that matter to an eleven year old who knows that no one will ever love her, that she is bound to be alone for the rest of her life and that no matter what she does she will always be the awkward, weird geek that people make fun of when bored..? So yes. I know that a LOT of people are far worse off than I was. But come on. This is my story and my world and my blog so therefor the only thing I can relate to is my own pain and my own background.

When I was a child (10-16) I had a hard time in school. I had good grades, I had some people I could refer to as friends, but for most of the time I just had my books. And movies. When other people relate to things that has happened to a friend of theirs or themselves, I relate to what I have seen in a movie or read in a book. I am still very socially awkward, even though I now surround myself with people who think I have value and who gives me worth and makes me grow as a person. But no one can ever erase all the pain I have felt during my school years, it is mine to keep and try to live with. I don’t even think that the kids that were nasty to me understand what kind of impact they had..? It was only mental abuse, no physical violence, but it sticks. It sticks to the brain and it sticks to the heart.

But you know what? In some ways I think it turned me into a better person. I built the person I am today and I am both more stronger and more intelligent than I could have been if I had been one of the gray mass. I wish it never happened, I wish I could go around with the same self esteem as everyone else seems to do, but I cannot change what has been. And I am grown up now. To quote Christer Sandelin (shut up i like it!) ”Ni kan inte nå mig nu / Som när vi var små / inte göra illa mig något mer / jag är en stjärna, och vilka är ni?” (”You cannot hurt me anymore like when we were kids, I am a star and you are nothing”)

I keep being amazed at the kind of friends I have today. Strong, kind, beautiful people – and they like me! I don’t know what I did to deserve such amazing friends, but I am thankful.
I wished someone could have shown a glance of my future to me when I was 11, and told me ”Just make it through these next few years and this is what you will gain”. That would have helped through all those sleepless nights when I tried to rest on a pillow wet from tears. That would have helped all those days when I had to walk 10 meters behind the rest of the class because no one wanted me to walk with them. That would have helped when I had to sit in a closed room with my two biggest nemesises and tell them that I kind of wanted them to stop being mean to me (the teacher actually LEFT ME alone in there with them!!).

Just… Thank you. Bear with me. I try to give back what you give to me. It’s just that I am still fairly new to this whole ”Having friends” thingie? I still try to adjust to realizing I have worth as a human being :)

Love and strength ♥

Blondes probably have more fun, but only when dressed like this

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Oh hai, I can has yellow hair? kkthxbai

Yeah, anyhooo. I am not sure why, but even though I prefer myself with black or red hair, I always end up with a head full of blonde and then I keep it for a while (no, not now, still brunette, don’t worry) even though I don’t really like it. I just keep imagining that I look classy and awesome, and then I look at the pictures and I wonder JUST WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKNG?!

I was born a blonde, but I have a very dark grayish tone of hair and I don’t like that. And I don’t like having that really yellow/orange blonde I get when I bleach it. I kind of only like the red and the black. Um. And still I’ve got all these pictures, from different periods, where I am again trying out to be a blonde.

And you know what..? It’s gonna happen again. Just you wait and see, I will be blonde before you know what hit you. But not now. Now, I want it to be red. Glorious red. Fake ginger. ohgods.

So anyway. What I kind of wanted to say was ”gosh, that really doesn’t look like me on that picture lol!” and also that that robe makes me look chubby.

And again: I miss my old kitchen! Waaaaaah! :(