Photography: Ricard Hellberg
I always try to never put my happiness in the hands of others. I hate it when I get provoked by the actions of others to feel a certain way. When people do not respond when I need contact I feel rejected and it depresses me. When people respond in a way that exceeds my hopes I get overly joyous from it. This is, of course, normal. Everyone want the approval of their peers and anything that confirms you as a worthy human being is a positive thing.
I love getting compliments, even though it kind of always make me a bit weirded out. It depends of course on the compliment and who it is that gives it, but yeah. Most of the time I just think it’s weird that people find me somewhat attractive, even though I am also aware of the fact that I AM pretty attractive. This is about me being very complex. A self-loathing narcissist, if you so will. I feed on emotions and I need all the attention even though I get paranoid when I actually *get* the attention. I will not ever understand myself, because I find that I am never happy with anything. People give me too many compliments? Egads, stop creeping over me. People give me too little attention? Ohmygod, am I that unattractive?? …you get the point. I just wish I was an easier person to be around, because I understand that I am a handful, that people think I am annoying and impossible to please.
I want to make my own happiness. I don’t want to strive to get the approval of others all the time, I want to be able to find myself and to keep myself and to love myself. I just want to have a healthy relationship with myself, because I am kind of stuck with myself for a while you know?
Also, do you realize how much ENERGY it takes to be a self-loathing attention-thirsty narcissist? I get exhausted from even trying! lol. Also, as with everything I share here, I am not fully honest/serious. There are always exceptions and I think I make it look worse than it actually is. I am not crazy, I am not an attention whore and I don’t hate myself THAT much. I just need to vent, that’s all. …and now I need to figure out how to stop letting others decide my mood for me. Unless I can find some good fanboys to keep me on top of my game, haha ^^
Also, this made me lol.
Jag har också ett stort behov av att få komplimanger. Har väl att göra med att jag halva livet var svältfödd på uppmärksamhet gällande mitt utseende. När jag får komplimanger antar jag dock att personen som ger den måste ha dålig smak för ingen kan väl på allvar tycka att jag är snygg.
Ååh ja, precis som mig! Jag är av åsikten att folk som raggar på mig antingen är dumma i huvudet eller att de bara skämtar. Att folk sedan faktiskt raggar på mig på SKÄMT gör ju inte saken lättare heller. Hrm.
Killar kan ju också ha dålig självkänsla och kanske försöker ragga skämtsamt för de tycker att de inte är snygga/värda något eller vad det nu är. Ligger ofta allvar bakom skämt.