Photograhpy: Ricard Hellberg

By now you are all probably aware of the fact that I am a control freak, at least of this is not your first visit to my blog. But then you should be aware of it anyway from reading that first sentence so yeah. Control freak.

BUT. Every now and then I get some really crazy urges that I want and need to do stuff. Like when I tried to find someone to take a beer with me at 10PM yesterday, after having spent the day at home being perfectly happy with working on my own and watching movies. I was all dressed up with nowhere to go, as the saying goes. Now I found out that there’s a masquerade party in Gothenburg on friday that I’d like to go to, but unless I find anyone to go with and somewhere to sleep it’s not going to happen. I am not going to do the same mistake as when me and Ricard went to Deep and were going to take the first train home. Also, I think the club in Gothenburg closes earlier than 5AM..?

Anyway. Will most likely just stay at home anyway, but yeah. I like dressing up and even though I don’t have that much to chose from (lies!) I think I could get some kind of cool outfit going :)

I don’t know why I get these impulsive urges. It’s always been like that, and as long as I can still work some kind of PLAN into it I don’t mind. I have written about this before; about my trip to Denmark and about the LARP I went to last summer, where I had absolutely no plans except for when the bus/plane was leaving. I know how stressed out I can get and that it’s not unusual that I get some kind of panic attacks from this, so I don’t know why I keep trying to force myself into these situations where I don’t have the control I need. I am a strange creature, that’s for sure.

But yeah. It would have been nice to have been going out for a beer yesterday. Perhaps I can find someone to go for a beer with me today..? Problem is I don’t know if I am in the mood for going out today, haha :D

I just need to break down the awkward and shy side of me and work on the outgoing version. I can do it, right? Ganbatte ne! (>^.^)>

I’ll keep you updated on my progress :P

By the pricking of my thumbs: something wicked this way comes

I have started to go back to my roots again, in a way. Embracing the tiny lvl 18 Zombie that I once was. Taking some fashion advice from her from time to time. It is actually quite fun to dress the way I did ten years ago :)

I used to try to be a wiccan. This was back when I was 17-18. I bought a book on a sale at Åhléns and I thought it was very interesting. I guess I was more of an agnostic than an atheist at this point, and the heathen ways of the wiccan belief fit me very well. I liked the fact that the women had greater status in the wiccan belief than in f.x. christian belief. I was 17 years old and I wanted power. Not that I believed in actual witch craft, not that kind of power. But hey, show me a 17 year old girl who does NOT want to take over the world? I still have this lingering plan on how to accomplish world domination. ;)

I let go of the wiccan aspirations pretty fast. Still got some of my old books left though. But yeah, religions aren’t my thing. I am too much of an atheist to be able to belive in that.But I still like it. Lots of danging necklaces, rituals, cults, long black dresses and dramatic make-up. So, perhaps a bit more often now: lvl 18 Zombie is back. Hi! ^_^

But. Don’t be fooled: I am still the witch. I am still the huldra. I am still one with myself. And I still listen to the same kind of music to keep me empowered. Blessed be and if you fuck with me I’ll give you hell three times over. Or at least I will do my very best. And this is not religion, this is a state of mind. Either you get what I am stabbing at, or you don’t. It’s for me to know and you to find out. But yeah. It’s a self confidence thing, nothing else. And it has to do with the soil of my birth place. Neverrrrrrrrmind.

I am very interested in the OLD mythologies. Greece, Egyptian and Norse mythology. Especially Norse mythology. I don’t know how many books I’ve read on the subject, and I keep craving more knowledge. I am not going to say ”It’s so cool!” but well, in a way, it is. ;) I guess it’s the viking in me that is trying to get through aswell. Or, I suppose, the valkyrie.

Anyway. Happy Easter, Ostara or saturday to you! ;)

”Something is standing in between me and my sanity – the say my witch is just a dream, morbid fantasy”

Movie tips:

  • Hocus Pocus (imdb)
  • I’ve been waiting for you (imdb)
  • The Craft (imdb)
  • Elvira – Mistress of the Dark (imdb)

Pictures from yesterday, me dressed up as my 17 year old self and playing with candles and a fake raven. lol ^^

This is where I am god

Not sure how much I’ve slept tonight. It feels as if I’ve been awake all night, but I know that I have dreamt stuff so nah. I dreamt of some kind of apocalyptic world with lots of fire and water, and we were trying to stay alive and hid in some kind of apartment house that was at a vacation resort. Something in the dream was based on me watching RPDR yesterday, but no idea what that was about. Malmö today was also involved. Hrm.

I feel numb today. A bit from sleeping, but also a bit from trying to keep sane even though people are acting strange. Not only the thing at work that I wrote about yesterday, but… meh. I dunno. I guess I am putting too much thought into it. It is one of my flaws; I am very good at assigning other people feelings, thoughts and emotions without actually *asking* them. BUT, I only do this when it’s a negative thing for me, so I don’t go around thinking people like me but the other way around. Yes… it is a funny little world I dwell in… :P

Going down to Malmö today for some adventures. It will be fun, and nice to get away even if it is no longer than an hour away. Was hoping some of my friends in Malmö could meet me for some eatings when I’m finished, but I guess people are too busy on a wednesday evening. Ohwell. I’ll just grab a hot dog at the station before going home :)

I just need to keep my thoughts focused and I need to concentrate on what I want to achieve instead of finding all these little rabbit holes to fall into. I miscredit myself way too much. I think. Anyway, gonna go get dressed now. What kind of attention whorish outfit should I wear today..? :P

”Sizeism” – because it is OK to hate on thin people!(?)

”Have you put on a lot of weight lately? You are starting to look really chubby!”
”Oh my god, when did you get so fat?”
”You should lose some weight, you don’t look as good any more”

Neither of these things are OK to say to someone. But turn them around and read thin instead of fat and you have something that happens every day. You look too thin, you feel like a skeleton, you need to eat more, you should put on weight. Why is it OK that people can comment on my body because I am of a smaller size? I am fully aware that none of the people that have actually commented on my recent weight loss (that was not even a volontarily one, but something that was included in my 4 week sickness) are doing this out of malign or to be rude. But to be perfectly honest, it is not that fun to have people stop by daily to give me their opinion on wether or not I am too think.

Before my weight loss I didn’t like my body. My clothes were getting too small, and looking at myself in a mirror I could see all the flaws. Yes, I know what many are thinking: ”You weren’t even close to being chubby, you were thin back then too!”. Yes, I know. But I was still one or two sizes too big for most of my wardrobe.

Now after I have lost that extra weight I suddenly feel much better about myself. Of course I do! I am back to my high school body, my clothes fit and I think I look good! Yes, I AM shallow. When did I ever tell you that I am not a shallow person?

My point here is still that it is not OK to tell a fat person that they are too fat, so people don’t do that. But it is apparently OK to tell a thin person that they are too thin. Why doesn’t people realize that I too can be hurt by any comment that indicates that I am not good enough? Too thin.

The above picture was entered into a Zombie contest on Facebook. I got a LOT of comments from Americans saying that ”she is stick thin”, ”she has a lollipop neck!”, ”her arms are too thin and it looks really bad” and ”that zombie should go eat some hamburgers instead!”. Seriously. Does anyone think that ANYONE want to hear that about themself?
NO ONE left a comment like that to the chubbier zombie chicks. No one said ”you should eat less burgers and more brains”, ”her arms are bigger than my backyard!” and ”that zombie would be easy to run away from”. So why is it OK to have a negative opinion on people that wear smaller sizes?

Yeah yeah yeah, ”I should be happy I am not too big” and so forth, I get that. But to be honest, people: Keep your opinions about people’s sizes and body shapes to yourself unless you are asked, no matter if the thing you want to comment is weight loss or weight gain. Okies?

Kan väl köra en snabb disclaimer på svenska också: Jag vet att folk inte dagligen kommenterar på ”hur smal!” jag har blivit för att vara elaka, men alltså. Klart man börjar ta illa upp när folk hela tiden försöker upplysa en om att man är FÖR smal och att det inte ser jättebra ut? Folk går väl (hoppas jag!) inte runt och upplyser mulliga/storvuxna personer om att de är för tjocka?

Jag försöker INTE säga att det är OK att attackera ”större personer” för deras vikt, jag försöker säga att ingen vill höra att de är för stora eller för små.

Folk borde helt sonika låta bli att kommentera på folks viktminskning/viktökning, för det är alltid en känslig fråga och i synnerhet då om kommentaren uttrycks på ett sätt som visar att personen i fråga inte är helt positivt inställd till viktförändringen. Typ så.

Medium rare

We ate at O’Learys yesterday. Had a nice evening, even though we all of a sudden had to watch the swedish takeouts for Eurovision Song Contest. It was awful! I really don’t understand how and why people watch that ridicilous shit volontarily, because my ears and eyes hurt after watching it. People are free to like whatever they want, of course, but yikes. I wasn’t aware it was THAT bad. Had to go home and listen to some real music when we left, because that was just frightening. Meep.

Anywayyyyy. I am really satisfied with the way my hair turned out after dying the roots yesterday! It is a darker brown now, with some red nuances, which is nice. I dyed my eyebrows as well, and this time it didn’t make me look like a clown, woo! As you can see in the picture below I am not always lucky when dying the eyebrows:

I’ll see if I can put up any pictures of the current look. If not before then it will show up sometime during the week, with me taking almost daily snapshots of my current look and all. Like so.

Yes. Um. Got nothing else to add right now ^_^

Awesome is who awesome does

I forgot all of my glasses (three pairs) at work, so I really shouldn’t be hanging around my computer today. Yet I do. Ohwell.

I bought a lot of fabric after work, I am going to try to make a burlesque bustle skirt for saturday. Plan is to build it tomorrow. I am not fully sure how to make it or even what I want it to look like, but meh. I’ve freestyled clothing before so it’s gonna be awesome because I am awesome!

But, well. If I am awesome… how come I don’t feel awesome? I feel paranoid, insecure and 14 years old. I don’t like that, I want and I need control. This is most likely one of the worst things that can happen to a control freak. Dang nabbit. It will work out fine I am sure, but right now I just want to scream if I am going to be perfectly honest with you. I just wish there was something I could do to magically fix things as I’d want them, but meh. Argh!

I am going to bed early today. My neck has been acting up all day and I’ve been both stiff and in a lot of pain. Hopefully the muscles will reset if I get enough rest..? Will bring a handful of comic albums to bed. I started reading Fables all over again. Om nom :3

So. Good night dear friends and not so dear possible enemies.

Solsken mitt i nattmörkret

Så mitt WoW vägrar gå igång så fort jag försöker köra Addons. Eller ja. Kanske det handlar om en specifik addon, vad vet jag. Får testa mig fram ikväll när jag skall spela. Först skall jag hem till min bror och äta lite mat.

Apropå mat lyckades jag inte direkt få i mig något till lunch igår (en halv baguetthalva med skagenröra typ?) men jag åt tre limpmackor på kvällen! Framsteg! …kan ha liiiite att göra med att jag kände att det fanns hopp för framtiden när min chef godkände semester nästa vecka så att jag kan åka till Gotland och kram på Leo samt Eric med familj! Och vad det lät som på Leo så är även Amanda på ön..? ♥ Dör lite av vad glad jag är över det. Självklart ett stressmoment med hela resbiten, helst hade jag velat ha någon som satt med mig hela vägen ut på flygplatsen och höll hand men så kan man ju inte tvinga folk till. Däremot tänker jag tvinga någon att åka med mig till Malmö på förmiddagen på lördagen, jag har lite ärenden jag måste fixa innan jag åker till öjn en vecka.

Ett äkta squeee mitt i allt det svarta, helt enkelt! :D

Also, rollspel igår var kul. Vilken underbar grupp vi har ^^ Känner att detta, trots eventuella tentakelmonster och skarpslipade kultister, kan bli ett riktigt kul spel också. Nu hoppas jag bara att vi får med herr Fyra Dvärgar (”Fredenberg” tydligen) i gruppen också, så är den ju fylld med typ alla man kan tänkas vilja ha i en bra CoC-grupp.

Så jag. Onsdagen inleds med lite mer glädje i magen än tidigare dagar den här veckan. Jag skall försöka fixa flygbiljetter idag och sedan har jag en vecka på mig att försöka rätta till skallen lite grann. Det blir nog bra. Jag får ju klappa på nykläckt bebis, leka med Idraz och Eber, titta på Bildlärarbodils storslagna konstverk, kolla dåliga filmer mitt i natten och dricka té och tvinga mamma Eric att baka saker och umgås med min mommo och kanske till och med titta in lite på Adelsgatan och Solkristallen och se ifall de mot förmodan har något kul. Jag vill ha ett par schyssta örhängen, liksom.

Ja. Vi säger så. Squeee.

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