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Wild boars chasing me.

Dreamt strange things. About… I don’t know who. I’ve tried to figure it out, but I really can’t. It was none of the classic guys, ’cause they parcipitated but in other roles. Ehm, okay. I was being adopted by this mysterious guy, after being chased by a wild boar. It was at some kind of LARP. So, I climbed up a barn to hide from the boar, and then they took the ladder from me. I was stuck at the ”second floor” of the barn, and I cried out of the window to try to get someone to help me, help! The next thing I can remember I was being forced to lay down next to the guy, and he tried to stich something onto my hip with see-through-thread. It hurted, and felt like I was given electric shocks. Then I got hold of my cell phone, I tried to call A, but he didn’t answer. So I called my uncle. It was some strange woman answering, and I told her to get my uncle to help me. She sounded like she thought I was some kind of mistress to my uncle – she didn’t seem to know who I was. After a while my uncle arrived, and tried to help out, but it didn’t work. Back to scratch… I tried to soften the guys heart by holding him tight to me while we tried to sleep, but it didn’t seem to work. I think he was being pissed with me because I had said ”no” to him a while earlier. Ouch.
Then the dream faded, and now I’m stuck trying to remember who it was. Grr, it pisses me off, now knowing whom I dream of. >_<

Should try to call Leo now, I think. We were thinking of playing a bit this evening. ^_^

 

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He thrusts his fists against the posts, and still insists he sees the ghosts.

I live through reading ”It”. Love in its form of a book. Some would call it a horror story, but in my eyes it’s the most beautiful love story ever written. It makes me see the world through different eyes. Somehow, it makes the world a less horrifying place to live, even though it tells the horror of clowns. Eww, clowns. There is something about them that makes me suspicious and terrified. The lies the live. I’ve never trusted clowns. I don’t like it when you can’t read the emotions of people. All that make-up… They MUST hide something!
…but, I am most fascinated by the whole carnivale/circus-theme. I once saw a very short film, just showing off the classic freakshow people, and it made me stop everything I did just then and just …watch in silence. The photo and the actors were very beautiful, and I felt swept away. When I was a child I sometimes dreamt about running away with a circus. Never, not ever, because I didn’t like it at home. Just because it seemed like the greates adventure. …and the fame, the fame! In my eyes as a child, being a circus artist was the greatest job. Entertainers have a special place in my heart. (oooh, Ingrid Bergman, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, Clark Gable… People really -worthy- of the name ”star”)

Perhaps I should go to bed now. I seem to be all alone at the web for the moment, and I really want to read some more of ”It” before sleeping. I’m free tomorrow, so we thought about going to the movies and see Kingdom of Heaven. Could be fun…

(may be innocent, may be sweet, ain’t half as nice as rotting meat.)

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Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

Just saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Beautiful! Aww. It made me think a whole lot of the breakup from my ex. If the option of erasing all memories of him had existed then, I don’t think I would have chosed it. It’s hard… All I’ve got of him now are memories hard to catch, but that’s the way I decided to have it. I don’t want to remember him, I don’t want to remember all the good times we had, because that would leave me even more empty now. But I would never erase them fully. What I remember of him now is what I want to remember. I like to remember that I WAS happy with him, that I DID love him and that he made me feel complete. Now I’ve been alone for a year, and it has both made me stronger and made me weaker. I’ve got no one to tell me I’m beautiful, that I’m a good person, that I make someone feel complete. I’ve got no one to tell me he loves me, no one that can hide me in his arms when I’m overwhelmed of the ghosts of my past. (goth yatta-yatta-yatta, but it matters to ME.)
I don’t always understand that I’m lonely. Most of the time I got other things to think about; my friends, my hobbies, my job… But, then, suddenly I’m fully awake in the middle of the night, and so utterly alone that I don’t know what to do. And if I awoke from a nightmare, there is no one there to wipe away my tears and make me feel safe. Instead I have to lay staring at my ceiling in the dim light of my lamp.
I really want to find someone new, someone I can trust. There has been candidates, oh, believe me. But, in one way or another, it fails. For the moment A feels like the best choice, but no. There is to much standing between, most of all the fact that all the interest seems to lay with ME. …people seem to think that I’m a good catch, but when it really matters they all run and hide. I don’t accuse anyone of anything, ’cause most of the responsibility lies with me and my way of mistreating feelings, but… Stop running. Stop hiding.
…try to understand me and all that is me. I am not a strong person when it comes to feelings. Just… treat me well and make me feel loved, and I’ll do anything for you. It’s not hard. Stop running, stop hiding.

I just end up whining, as usual. This was supposed to be about the movie, and now look at me; whine whine whine, mope mope mope. But… It kind of eases things for me. Perhaps someone reads this and perhaps that someone has some advice for me. Eitherway writing it down gives me some distance to it.

You know what? I’ve only kissed two boys. Yeah, that’s true.
People act like they think I’ve been fooling around, like they think that I feel good about myself. Well, guess what? You’re wrong. In every aspect I’m a virgin. I don’t have any experience, I don’t know much about relationships (other than it hurts like hell finding out your partner been cheating on you). I don’t know anything…

Okay, time to stop whining. Maybe this won’t help me at all? Maybe it will make me feel even worse…
I just wonder when I will be brave enough to take care of my insecurities. When I actually WILL call anyone, or tell them ”yes” when they ask me to hang out with them.
It’s just… well… I wrote a few emails, and expected more than I got. So, I don’t trust people. After being cheated on by the only person in the world I never expected to hurt me, I don’t see a reason to trust anyone. I’m a weak whiner, true. …somewhere deep inside I still DO have hope and trust left, thought. Naïve. That’s my middle name. Dang.

Eh, okay, sorry for the whining. Perhaps I’ll erase this post sometime. Or perhaps I won’t.

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It takes a fool to remain sane.

Okay… Lame day at work today. Well, I’m not complaining, I got to quit after two hours work, instead of nine. ^^
Yesterday went well, me bartending with my mom. We got about fifty swedish crowns each in tips, and had a ball. We work really well together, and the customers seems to like the way we behave. Us being mother and daughter… we enjoy them.
I have strange workmates. The main pizza baker told me he loves me yesterday. I don’t get it… He is very strange, acts almost crazy. It’s only for fun, though, but the things he says are a bit insane. ”I love you”, ”Give me a hug!”, ”If I could take pictures of you at work and sell them I would be rich by now!” and stuff like that. A good thing though is that when customers come on at me, stalk me at work and so on, he acts like a father for me and glare at people. That’s good.
^^ Other than him, I work with three other guys from Chile. They’re just as crazy as Pablo, which makes it very amusing to work together with them. Classic topics of conversation is me, hentai, strange customers and all the other people who work at the bowling alley. The staff boss is a very confused, but amusing, man. He always forgets everything, and always disappears at the strangest moments. …as the saying goes: ”To work at our bowling alley you have to be a whole lot insane.” Well, I like it at work. We’ve had some people working there acting like total bitches, but they’re not there now. The gang we’ve got now is totally cool, and they’re like a family for me :) (the fact that one of my brothers, my mom and my dad also work there does not count ;))

I’m gonna go rent some movies for me and my mom in a while.

Today’s song: ”Fresh” – Basement Jaxx.

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Playing with guns.

Okay… Today started when my cat suddenly started a war against my room. With a *crash* I was suddenly fully awake, and realized that oh, there is nooo idea at all to try to get some more sleep, ’cuz I got to get up in ten minutes anyway. This was at 7.50 am this morning. Tired but in a good mood I went up, got some clothing on (the potion-clothes) and then Eric and Leo came. Urgh, early mornings… not my cup of tea.
It was a bit cold outside, but I survived. Yay!
Either beginner’s luck, or I have a natural talent for shooting with guns. Last time I hit all but one shot, this time I missed the first ones (the gun was really heavy, argh, I’m not strong at all in my left arm!) but then I got some good hits. Fun!

Got to work this evening. We’re having a party for the licensed bowlers and I’m in the bar with my mom. Could be fun, actually. We work fine together; We have a very good relationship.
No pizza this week. Good, my arm hurts after today’s playsession. Urgh, why am I so fragile? Got a new bruise on my right arm, which makes my arm a bit hard to use naturally. Grr.

Thursday night we were at Leos, drinking and played a game we came up with. A drinking game. I lost. In ALL ways; I had the fewest points, and I was most drunk of us. Aww. I feel like a little girl, completely unable to take good care of myself. …and in a week I will move to my own apartment. Heh, perhaps not the brightest idea…
I was there yesterday; My bedroom is bubblegum pink and cuuuute as can be. I really long to se my home fully finished and furnished! …and then, will I become grown-up, or will I continue to act like a ten-year-old?

Latest obsession: Alucard in Castlevania and Sephiroth of Final Fantasy. Played neither game, but google helped me with some good pixxors. Whee ^^
Pixxors for my bathroom! (I’ve got the ugliest wallpapers ever, eww. BUT, boys like Kakashi-sensei, Klaha, Ryoki-kun, Sephiroth and Jack Sparrow will easily help cover them ^^) (…I’ve got a pile of 30 papers with pictures laying right next to me, whee ^_^,)

Okay… Gotta go. Work begins in 40 minutes, and I’ve got to find me a good pair of shoes and a cardigan that goes with my glittery spidery outfit.

See yas!