Do yourself a favor: Don’t even TRY to understand me

Photography: Ricard Hellberg

I always try to never put my happiness in the hands of others. I hate it when I get provoked by the actions of others to feel a certain way. When people do not respond when I need contact I feel rejected and it depresses me. When people respond in a way that exceeds my hopes I get overly joyous from it. This is, of course, normal. Everyone want the approval of their peers and anything that confirms you as a worthy human being is a positive thing.

I love getting compliments, even though it kind of always make me a bit weirded out. It depends of course on the compliment and who it is that gives it, but yeah. Most of the time I just think it’s weird that people find me somewhat attractive, even though I am also aware of the fact that I AM pretty attractive. This is about me being very complex. A self-loathing narcissist, if you so will. I feed on emotions and I need all the attention even though I get paranoid when I actually *get* the attention. I will not ever understand myself, because I find that I am never happy with anything. People give me too many compliments? Egads, stop creeping over me. People give me too little attention? Ohmygod, am I that unattractive?? …you get the point. I just wish I was an easier person to be around, because I understand that I am a handful, that people think I am annoying and impossible to please.

I want to make my own happiness. I don’t want to strive to get the approval of others all the time, I want to be able to find myself and to keep myself and to love myself. I just want to have a healthy relationship with myself, because I am kind of stuck with myself for a while you know?

Also, do you realize how much ENERGY it takes to be a self-loathing attention-thirsty narcissist? I get exhausted from even trying! lol. Also, as with everything I share here, I am not fully honest/serious. There are always exceptions and I think I make it look worse than it actually is. I am not crazy, I am not an attention whore and I don’t hate myself THAT much. I just need to vent, that’s all. …and now I need to figure out how to stop letting others decide my mood for me. Unless I can find some good fanboys to keep me on top of my game, haha ^^

Also, this made me lol.


Photograhpy: Ricard Hellberg

By now you are all probably aware of the fact that I am a control freak, at least of this is not your first visit to my blog. But then you should be aware of it anyway from reading that first sentence so yeah. Control freak.

BUT. Every now and then I get some really crazy urges that I want and need to do stuff. Like when I tried to find someone to take a beer with me at 10PM yesterday, after having spent the day at home being perfectly happy with working on my own and watching movies. I was all dressed up with nowhere to go, as the saying goes. Now I found out that there’s a masquerade party in Gothenburg on friday that I’d like to go to, but unless I find anyone to go with and somewhere to sleep it’s not going to happen. I am not going to do the same mistake as when me and Ricard went to Deep and were going to take the first train home. Also, I think the club in Gothenburg closes earlier than 5AM..?

Anyway. Will most likely just stay at home anyway, but yeah. I like dressing up and even though I don’t have that much to chose from (lies!) I think I could get some kind of cool outfit going :)

I don’t know why I get these impulsive urges. It’s always been like that, and as long as I can still work some kind of PLAN into it I don’t mind. I have written about this before; about my trip to Denmark and about the LARP I went to last summer, where I had absolutely no plans except for when the bus/plane was leaving. I know how stressed out I can get and that it’s not unusual that I get some kind of panic attacks from this, so I don’t know why I keep trying to force myself into these situations where I don’t have the control I need. I am a strange creature, that’s for sure.

But yeah. It would have been nice to have been going out for a beer yesterday. Perhaps I can find someone to go for a beer with me today..? Problem is I don’t know if I am in the mood for going out today, haha :D

I just need to break down the awkward and shy side of me and work on the outgoing version. I can do it, right? Ganbatte ne! (>^.^)>

I’ll keep you updated on my progress :P

Hoc est corpus

Photography: Ricard Hellberg

I was bored so I dressed up in my prettylicious witch costume and ventured into the woods of Helsingborg to pose with candles and a stuffed plastic raven. You know, the normal thing to do on Easter/any given saturday.

Got a few more to show, but I’ll post them later on :)

By the pricking of my thumbs: something wicked this way comes

I have started to go back to my roots again, in a way. Embracing the tiny lvl 18 Zombie that I once was. Taking some fashion advice from her from time to time. It is actually quite fun to dress the way I did ten years ago :)

I used to try to be a wiccan. This was back when I was 17-18. I bought a book on a sale at Åhléns and I thought it was very interesting. I guess I was more of an agnostic than an atheist at this point, and the heathen ways of the wiccan belief fit me very well. I liked the fact that the women had greater status in the wiccan belief than in f.x. christian belief. I was 17 years old and I wanted power. Not that I believed in actual witch craft, not that kind of power. But hey, show me a 17 year old girl who does NOT want to take over the world? I still have this lingering plan on how to accomplish world domination. ;)

I let go of the wiccan aspirations pretty fast. Still got some of my old books left though. But yeah, religions aren’t my thing. I am too much of an atheist to be able to belive in that.But I still like it. Lots of danging necklaces, rituals, cults, long black dresses and dramatic make-up. So, perhaps a bit more often now: lvl 18 Zombie is back. Hi! ^_^

But. Don’t be fooled: I am still the witch. I am still the huldra. I am still one with myself. And I still listen to the same kind of music to keep me empowered. Blessed be and if you fuck with me I’ll give you hell three times over. Or at least I will do my very best. And this is not religion, this is a state of mind. Either you get what I am stabbing at, or you don’t. It’s for me to know and you to find out. But yeah. It’s a self confidence thing, nothing else. And it has to do with the soil of my birth place. Neverrrrrrrrmind.

I am very interested in the OLD mythologies. Greece, Egyptian and Norse mythology. Especially Norse mythology. I don’t know how many books I’ve read on the subject, and I keep craving more knowledge. I am not going to say ”It’s so cool!” but well, in a way, it is. ;) I guess it’s the viking in me that is trying to get through aswell. Or, I suppose, the valkyrie.

Anyway. Happy Easter, Ostara or saturday to you! ;)

”Something is standing in between me and my sanity – the say my witch is just a dream, morbid fantasy”

Movie tips:

  • Hocus Pocus (imdb)
  • I’ve been waiting for you (imdb)
  • The Craft (imdb)
  • Elvira – Mistress of the Dark (imdb)

Pictures from yesterday, me dressed up as my 17 year old self and playing with candles and a fake raven. lol ^^

Me, the Frog Princess

Feeling pretty today. To be honest I’ve been feeling pretty since I dyed my hair on friday. I like it better when it’s red, and as long as the eyebrows match it looks twice as good imo. I keep stopping in front of mirrors to stare at myself for a while, and then I pull up the cell phone to snap a picture but it doesn’t look at all like what I see in the mirror. The camera hates me, it’s a well-known fact. Yes, I can look really good on pictures, but the good ones are 1 in 20 (if I’m lucky) and then it doesn’t even look like *me*.

I’ve always felt like the ugly duckling. I had some ”friends” who were very good at telling me about all my faults and flaws when I was younger (I’ve mentioned this before) and it doesn’t take too long before you start thinking that they must be right. I didn’t start getting attention from boys until the summer when I was sixteen and hung out with a gang of 7 guys who were visiting Medeltidsveckan. I felt like a confused kid in a candy store, all these guys giving me compliments and trying to get my attention, what’s up with that? I was paranoid and suspicious, of course. I was pretty sure they were only joking to hurt me. To this day I don’t know for sure, but with what I’ve learned from life so far I think that they actually found me pretty. It was that week, when I was sixteen and shy like a doe and dressed like a fool that I got my first kiss. I fell in love, of course. I was so happy for the attention and I mistook my feelings for love. In retrospect I understand that I was just fooling myself, but yeah. Anyway, it was nice being kissed :) I like that. Soft lips and a curious tongue :3

When I was 17, 18, 19 I had a lot of fanboys. I jokingly called them my harem, because it sounded cool and I was desperate to be cool. I never even hung out with them, we just chatted and they told me I was pretty. I was clinging onto those words of praise because they were so important to me. After having spent all my previous school years being the ugly ducking, the odd one out, the weird nerd – I was finally being accepted, adored and appreciated by my surroundings. Sure, I was still the weird one. People in school thought I was a dork or just too strange for them. Me… I was just trying to find myself. I was outspoke and enjoyed being weird, even though I still really just wanted to fit in. Not having any friends for 6 years will do that to a girl, believe me.

And then I got a boyfriend. I will not discuss that any further here, that was both a good and bad period in my life and I will leave it be (for now, perhaps I’ll talk about it in the future), but it was another step in me becoming a more self confident person. Not only did boys think I was pretty, one of them even fell in love with me! How nice is that?

Anyway. This is a longer story than I intended, haha. After breaking up with him I fell into a black pit, sort of, and even though I still had fanboys and some creeps trying to catch my attention I started to feel less pretty. Then I met my second boyfriend and felt all better again and blah blah blah.

Now I’ve been single for 1,5 years. It started off very bad, and I felt very miserable over the break up. And then last summer I started feeling on top of the situation. I still do. And now I look in the mirror and I say to myself: Damn girl, you hot!
…and then I pull up the cell phone to save the moment and to have something to look back to when I’m feeling miserable again, and my camera phone tells me that I look like crap. Haha ^^ Fuck you, camera!

I am not really a vain or shallow person. I appreciate personality over looks. But that really doesn’t mean that beauty is irrelevant to me, and that I don’t enjoy feeling like a goddamn doll whenever I look at myself. Days like today are the days I want to be able to look back to when I’m feeling less pretty.

So. Um. Wall of text, and yet again I think I lost the red thread somewhere half through. Long story short: I’ve always considered myself unpretty, then I realized I’m fucking hawt but I can’t capture it on a picture to show anyone. FML. :P Oh, and I like kissing. Mrrr :3

Fuck everything, I need to LARP!

Suddenly it dawned on me: Fuck everything, I need to LARP! So yeah. I have spent today looking at a lot of different sites to get some inspiration, because I need to sew new clothing to wear. Don’t worry, I finished my work early and I was even able to throw in some extra bang for the buck – I would never neglect my work to browse for my hobbies. Also, most of the sites I wanted to visit are blocked at work anyway :P

I am about half-finished with the chainmail vest I am building for Robin, and then I have another four to build since people ask me for it as soon as I mention that I like building chainmail. I just don’t want to take proper orders until people have seen the finished result. I know it’s good, but I want people to be sure this is what they want so that I don’t put time, effort and money into something they realize they don’t want. Since my rings are almost out I ordered some new today, and I am really, REALLY hoping that they will get here before friday. I don’t think they will though, but yeah. Hope is still nice, eh?

Anyway. LARP. I don’t have a concept, I don’t have a character, I don’t have any fabric, I don’t know what the heck I am doing (again) and still I have spent the day listening to my LARP playlist on Spotify and dreamt about running around in the woods again. I kind of need this. If I can’t have Gotland beneath my feet I can at least pretend to be someone else and go browse the woods for enemies and friends and whatnot. I am the huldra, remember? (yeah, I know that I am not really a huldra, but sometimes I got it in me and… aw, whatever. I am crazy, ok?)

So yeah. I need to at least decide on a concept so I can start looking at what I need to sew, then I have to figure out how much money I am lacking for fabric and how much time I won’t have to sew since I am building a chainmail lol. Ohgodsthisisgoingtobebad. Anyway, I am crazy and creative and inspired so fuck you, I will give this a try even though it will probably just end up in tears, pain and misery anyway. Hey, I may be a controlfreak but I don’t know what’s good for me so I keep putting myself into situations I may have been wanting to avoid. Krigshjärta last summer was good for me but it was also OH SO BAD for me. Since I had no control, for instance. And since I kind of freaked out a couple of times because I was running out of time, didn’t have anything planned and things kept being messed up. This time around… it will be the same damn story again. But I am stronger now! …ohwait, not really. I am still trying to come back from the depression and yeah. Um. THIS IS GOOD FOR ME SHUT UP.

Anyway. The woods, the woodssss!

…and biiiiiig guns! ♥

Top picture – photo Eric Hejdström, photo taken at Stavgard, Gotland
Bottom picture – photo Carina Hellberg, photo showing the cannon ”Zorn des Rudigers”

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