Just saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Beautiful! Aww. It made me think a whole lot of the breakup from my ex. If the option of erasing all memories of him had existed then, I don’t think I would have chosed it. It’s hard… All I’ve got of him now are memories hard to catch, but that’s the way I decided to have it. I don’t want to remember him, I don’t want to remember all the good times we had, because that would leave me even more empty now. But I would never erase them fully. What I remember of him now is what I want to remember. I like to remember that I WAS happy with him, that I DID love him and that he made me feel complete. Now I’ve been alone for a year, and it has both made me stronger and made me weaker. I’ve got no one to tell me I’m beautiful, that I’m a good person, that I make someone feel complete. I’ve got no one to tell me he loves me, no one that can hide me in his arms when I’m overwhelmed of the ghosts of my past. (goth yatta-yatta-yatta, but it matters to ME.)
I don’t always understand that I’m lonely. Most of the time I got other things to think about; my friends, my hobbies, my job… But, then, suddenly I’m fully awake in the middle of the night, and so utterly alone that I don’t know what to do. And if I awoke from a nightmare, there is no one there to wipe away my tears and make me feel safe. Instead I have to lay staring at my ceiling in the dim light of my lamp.
I really want to find someone new, someone I can trust. There has been candidates, oh, believe me. But, in one way or another, it fails. For the moment A feels like the best choice, but no. There is to much standing between, most of all the fact that all the interest seems to lay with ME. …people seem to think that I’m a good catch, but when it really matters they all run and hide. I don’t accuse anyone of anything, ’cause most of the responsibility lies with me and my way of mistreating feelings, but… Stop running. Stop hiding.
…try to understand me and all that is me. I am not a strong person when it comes to feelings. Just… treat me well and make me feel loved, and I’ll do anything for you. It’s not hard. Stop running, stop hiding.
I just end up whining, as usual. This was supposed to be about the movie, and now look at me; whine whine whine, mope mope mope. But… It kind of eases things for me. Perhaps someone reads this and perhaps that someone has some advice for me. Eitherway writing it down gives me some distance to it.
You know what? I’ve only kissed two boys. Yeah, that’s true.
People act like they think I’ve been fooling around, like they think that I feel good about myself. Well, guess what? You’re wrong. In every aspect I’m a virgin. I don’t have any experience, I don’t know much about relationships (other than it hurts like hell finding out your partner been cheating on you). I don’t know anything…
Okay, time to stop whining. Maybe this won’t help me at all? Maybe it will make me feel even worse…
I just wonder when I will be brave enough to take care of my insecurities. When I actually WILL call anyone, or tell them ”yes” when they ask me to hang out with them.
It’s just… well… I wrote a few emails, and expected more than I got. So, I don’t trust people. After being cheated on by the only person in the world I never expected to hurt me, I don’t see a reason to trust anyone. I’m a weak whiner, true. …somewhere deep inside I still DO have hope and trust left, thought. Naïve. That’s my middle name. Dang.
Eh, okay, sorry for the whining. Perhaps I’ll erase this post sometime. Or perhaps I won’t.