Do yourself a favor: Don’t even TRY to understand me

Photography: Ricard Hellberg

I always try to never put my happiness in the hands of others. I hate it when I get provoked by the actions of others to feel a certain way. When people do not respond when I need contact I feel rejected and it depresses me. When people respond in a way that exceeds my hopes I get overly joyous from it. This is, of course, normal. Everyone want the approval of their peers and anything that confirms you as a worthy human being is a positive thing.

I love getting compliments, even though it kind of always make me a bit weirded out. It depends of course on the compliment and who it is that gives it, but yeah. Most of the time I just think it’s weird that people find me somewhat attractive, even though I am also aware of the fact that I AM pretty attractive. This is about me being very complex. A self-loathing narcissist, if you so will. I feed on emotions and I need all the attention even though I get paranoid when I actually *get* the attention. I will not ever understand myself, because I find that I am never happy with anything. People give me too many compliments? Egads, stop creeping over me. People give me too little attention? Ohmygod, am I that unattractive?? …you get the point. I just wish I was an easier person to be around, because I understand that I am a handful, that people think I am annoying and impossible to please.

I want to make my own happiness. I don’t want to strive to get the approval of others all the time, I want to be able to find myself and to keep myself and to love myself. I just want to have a healthy relationship with myself, because I am kind of stuck with myself for a while you know?

Also, do you realize how much ENERGY it takes to be a self-loathing attention-thirsty narcissist? I get exhausted from even trying! lol. Also, as with everything I share here, I am not fully honest/serious. There are always exceptions and I think I make it look worse than it actually is. I am not crazy, I am not an attention whore and I don’t hate myself THAT much. I just need to vent, that’s all. …and now I need to figure out how to stop letting others decide my mood for me. Unless I can find some good fanboys to keep me on top of my game, haha ^^

Also, this made me lol.

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