Don’t fade away.

I could never even try to understand how much it would hurt me if I lost one of my siblings. It just didn’t exist in my world that one of them could die, that one day I had to be told by my shaking father that my sister had died, and that my legs would go numb. I still can’t understand it. I just can’t understand that she is gone, forever, and that I will never ever be able to talk to her again.
I have so much to tell her. I have so much to share. I have so many things I want to tell her, so much I want to let her know. I want her advice, her laughter, her love. Her unending love. I could even put up with her bitching all the time, her nagging, her moping around and her being rude to me. I could put up with whatever. I just can’t take THIS. This neverending silence, this pain that throws me into crying myself to sleep every now and then.
Yesterday I read through the whole manga called Mars, borrowed from Elenaria. And… a major part of the plot was a brother that had killed himself, and all of their talking about that and all that passed between now and then all the time, it just made me think to much of HER. Of my sister. Of Anna.
Near the end the male character is forced to chose between his dead brother and his living bride, and …that choice… it shocked me. It slapped me in the face, and I really felt I could put myself in his situation. And I think that’s what finally made me cry, cry so hard I almost must have awoken my neighbor. And when I finally got hold of myself, and lay down and tried to get some sleep, I started crying again, but calmer this time. And that’s how I feel asleep last night, with tears streaming down my cheeks. And when I awoke this morning, after four hours of sleep, I was swollen and so utterly tired, and I still felt like crying. I feel like crying now, too, writing all of this down. But …what good would my tears do? They don’t bring her back, nothing can.

I just so fucking hard want to talk to her. If only for fifteen minutes, if only for a minute. I just want to let her know how much I love her, and that I will never stop loving her, and how aching much I miss her. How not a day passes by without me thinking of her, without me wishing that this is nothing but a very long and detailed nightmare.
I love her so much. And I can’t do anything but hope that she knew that.
She loved me. I know that. When me and my mother went up to tidy up her apartment and take her stuff with us, we found a picture of me as a baby at her night stand, and …that broke my heart.
I’ve been angry at her for so many times, I’ve been avoiding to talk to her because of her constant mood swings, I’ve said some bad things about her every now and then, and …all this time …all along …she loved me.

I’m crying now.
People say I could talk to them about all these thing I say I want to talk to my sister about, but …it’s not the same, it could never be the same. I can’t even talk to my brothers about that, and I don’t know if it’s because she’s female or because she’s older, or if it’s both of above that matters so hard, but that doesn’t matter – I will never have her to hang on to again. I will never be able to talk about my big sister about all those things you can only talk to an older sister about, and that hurts so bad, it really does.
It’s so definitive. It really is a dead end, she will never return. She hasn’t gone abroad, she hasn’t gone hiding, she isn’t mad at me and refuse to answer if I will call her, she’s just gone, and that’s the worst thing.

I know I am nagging about this, repeating myself, beating a dead cow, but …this is really bothering me, saddening me, dragging me down.
Most of all, I’m so utterly afraid that I will awake one morning, and have forgotten how she sounded, how she laughed, how she acted. I don’t want to ever lose her, lose sight of her. If I hang on to her, perhaps that will never happen. If I can try to have the memory of her alive in my head, she will never fade away.

And I can’t stop thinking that I hope she had sweet dreams that last rest of her. That she smiled softly at something in her dream, that she was happy. That she knew how loved she is, and always will be.

Don’t fade away
My brown-eyed girl
Come walk with me
I’ll fill your heart with joy
And we’ll dance through our isolation
Seeking solace in the wisdom we bestow
Turning thoughts to the here and everafter
Consuming fears in our fiery halos
Say what you mean
Mean what you say
I’ve heard that innocence
Has led us all astray
But don’t let them make you and break you
The world is filled with their broken empty Dreams
Silence is their only virtue
Locked away inside their silent screams
But for now
Let us dance away
This starry night
Filled with the glow of fiery stars
And with the dawn
Our sun will rise
Bringing a symphony of bird cries
Don’t bring me down now
Let me stay here for awhile
You know life’s too short
Let me bathe here in your smile
I’m transcending
The fall from the garden
Goodnight

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