Bitchin’ in the kitchen.

a pool of red blood.
her lover says ”I stabbed her,
but she died smiling”

Home again. I feel really feverish, din’t like the fact that I had to work tho I said I have a fever coming. Hopefully I’ll still be able to work tomorrow, it will be harder to say I’m ill after been able to work for today. (even though I’ve been dizzy and all…)

Chatted for a while with my brother earlier too. That was my first task at work: ”Hey, chat with your brother!”, lol. He’s on his way home, he’s landing in Stockholm tomorrow morning. Good. I miss that li’l fella, and I could use his opinion on some things…

Back to the raft.

For the moment – I will take up my writing here again. I try to escape the one I am, and while doing that I also will try to abandon Helgon.net, if just for a few days. Just to …dunno… be with ME as much as possible. Try to make out what it is I want, and how I can get it.
Probably, it will be mostly whining and nagging and spamming here, but I don’t force anyone to read. (also, I am sorry about my bad english :/)

Stayed up almost all night and cried. I really don’t feel well. I loathe the way I get up every morning, get to work and then walk home again. Spending all my free time by the computer, and always these silly routines. I always pick out a coke from my refridgerator, always listen to the same music, always log in at Helgon.net, always the same! And I HATE it, truly I do. I need changes, I need something to think about. And now …I don’t know. Perhaps this is a bad idea, but that will show in time.
For the moment I feel newborn. And then I mean by intellect. I don’t KNOW anything. I have no education, no skills, no talents. I don’t do sports, I don’t sing anymore, I stopped playing the guitar, I never returned to writing, I just …evaded.

When I was younger, I had so many dreams. Sure, some of them were crazy and impossible to live out, but… I had them. I had goals. I had things I burned for, things I could make up plans about and try to reach. And now… I’ve stagnated. I just give and give, and it makes me feel so… dunno. Lame?

So. I will spend this day and some of the coming days to try to make up some plans. Try to find out something to do, and ways of making them come true. I want to reach out and grab a few dreams.

For the moment: Being au pair in the US, take a drivers licence, sell the apartment or hire it out…

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